Excerpts From Black Belt Parenting
by Solomon Brenner

Challenging Your Child to Success

Parents have the job of challenging their children. Unlike criticizing them when they make a mistake, challenging them will help motivate them to improve and will introduce them to the concept of “cause and effect.” When the bedroom is clean (cause), there’s time for an extra hour of TV (effect). When a child misbehaves, the effect should be a learned lesson, not a prolonged punishment.

When I started teaching, my standard procedure was to condemn children who did not satisfy my expectations or execute their moves perfectly. I thought that by pointing out their flaws, they would focus their efforts on fixing them. However, pointing out their flaws did not motivate anyone to fix anything, but created a negative focus on the situation. Instead of focusing on the errors, focus on what is right and use that as a launching pad to suggest potential improvements.

Everyone has heard of the saying ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Instead of just focusing on what your child has done wrong, choose a specific goal and challenge them to meet that goal. If your children have trouble with a homework assignment, patiently go over it with them. Before pointing out flaws, find something positive to say.

Do Not -- Don’t

Subtle differences in your vocabulary can drastically change the way your child perceives a message. Saying “Don’t be so loud” and “Speak quietly” may seem similar, and both might cause a child to lower the volume of his or her voice, but using the word “don’t” puts a negative slant to the comment and sends the message that the child was doing something wrong. Positive words turn the message into a request, while “don’t” draws attention to the flaw so that the child can think of nothing else.

Children need direct instructions. Say exactly what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do.

There is an experiment you can try at home and on your friends to make this point. Tell them to look around the room, but don’t look at anything red. Then tell them to close their eyes and ask them what was blue. They probably won’t remember because you had them concentrating on not looking at red. They won’t see the blue because they won’t be looking for it.

Children who hear “don’t” are being encouraged to be passive with a stifled sense of curiosity, but it is important to cultivate their curiosity even when they are doing things they shouldn’t. Give them positive direction rather than simply saying “don’t.”

Questioning Your Child For Success

Approaching certain situations with a question rather than a command can turn them into learning experiences. You don’t always have to provide an answer for what your child can do to replace their current activity.

If your child is watching television, merely put another idea in the child’s head in the form of a question rather than telling him or her what to do. “Are there any activities you can play outside? It’s such a beautiful day.” Encouraging such thought processes will make the child thoughtful, engaging and reasonable in future discussions and decision making.

Any child can respond to a challenge, although children under five have a hard time with critical thinking and need more suggestions than questions. If a child likes playing with the buttons on the television, give them a toy with buttons to play with instead. As you choose the best option, consider what lesson your child will learn. Perhaps a game that teaches the alphabet by pressing buttons would be best. The chosen alternative should fall on the middle ground between what the child wants and what the parent wants.

Giving children opportunities to think about what they are doing and to explore their options helps them to make good choices, and in the long run that is how they will grow.

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Solomon Brenner is a martial arts school owner, and is the author of Black Belt Parenting. He has developed a unique and effective system that teaches parents how to continue the lessons their children learn in the dojo at home. Mr. Brenner may be reached by email at actionkarate@comcast.net.